February 26th 2018
I sit staring at the calendar, wondering about what I should do. Do I risk it? Or is there too much of a backlash to bear?
No, it must be done, I can’t go on like this! I muster up all my courage, close my eyes and start flicking through the diary… Stop! I hold the open pages down on my desk, taking a deep breath before I am able to proceed. Then, eyes still closed, I rotate my finger around the page continually… Stop! May 19th, that would be the day…
The day I would finally leave my husband.
I had tried over and over again, given him chance after chance but there was no changing this man. He didn’t want to change. He didn’t think he was doing anything wrong! But now I would be the bold one, the one to make the decisions, the one who would decide what the future held. I would leave him on May 19th…
The only questions now floating around in my head were – Where would I leave him and in what state; dead or alive?
Saturday 19th May 2018
We had arranged to meet our friends for drinks at our local pub. I was more than happy to go as it would help my plan tremendously. He hadn’t spoken to me in days and I was grateful for the silence, it allowed me to stay focused and concentrate on what lay ahead.
I felt a new aura of power growing inside of me, a strength I had never experience before was becoming evident today. So many times had I been beat down, emotionally and physically, all that hurt transformed into a sense of courage willing me to continue. I had worked out every detail of my plan laboriously and was ready to execute it.
He was his usual charismatic self in front of the others tonight. He laughed and drank, danced and drank some more, cracked jokes and drank some more! He was well and truly drunk come midnight when we left for home. What he didn’t expect was that I had our own little party planned at home, where even more alcohol was awaiting him.
I knew as long as he was drinking, he would remain in a good mood therefore, tonight I would help him along. He drank into the early hours, without realising I had mixed sleeping tablets into his bottle of whiskey. We danced and laughed together, it brought back cherished memories which attempted to play on my conscience but I forced them away. The more intoxicated he became, the more joyous he became, and the closer the next part of the plan became.
I took my chance…
“Lets put the boat on the car and drive down to the lake” I suggested to him alluringly.
“What? … Now?” He slurred back.
“Yeah, we can watch the sun rise. I’ll row and you can sit back and enjoy” I tried to set the scene in his head. “Lets take the bottle of whiskey with us and make the most of it?”
I had my fingers, feet and toes crossed while I waited in anticipation for him to respond. He was contemplating the idea, I watched as he attempted to keep focus which must have been really difficult considering the state he was in.
“OK” He shrugged. It was all the sentence he could cluster together.
The process of attaching the boat tow to the car and then lifting the boat on to it, was backbreaking; with him being so drunk he wasn’t any help! If this was one of our normal boat trips I would have given up, however tonight I managed to endure the pain cascading through my limbs and get the job done. Then we were off.
It was only a short distance to the lake, thankfully as he had became increasingly sleepy on route. I heard the occasional snore escape him and quickly shook him back awake. Not yet, just hold on please…
Arriving at our destination, he was on the verge of unconsciousness so I quickly reversed the car up to the lake; dipping the tow and boat into the water. As fast as I could, I jumped out of the car and raced over to the passenger door to help him out. He grunted at first and hit out catching me in the jaw. I tried again, grabbing him around the waist this time. He followed my lead, eyes half closed. Struggling with his weight but determination on my side, I managed to get him onto the boat where he sat on the seat then awkwardly slid down into a heap on the floor.
I waiting to see if he would move, he didn’t. I waited for the snoring to start, it did. I dashed back to the car to retrieve his now empty whiskey bottle which I placed on the boat in his grasp. This was make or break time. Did I have the guts to go through with it?
I untied the restraints on the tow before returning to his side one final time. I shook him to see if he would wake, he didn’t, not even a flinch. I leant down and kissed his cold forehead… Then I pushed the boat out onto the lake.
I stood lakeside watching as the boat drifted out on the water. Tears were streaming down my face. Tears of heartache for how our love story had turned out mixed with tears of elation that it was finally over.
I watched as the boat started to submerge into the water. The cracks created by my outburst almost a month ago; where I had wanted to destroy all that was precious to him, were allowing water to invade and take the boat down.
I watched as he lay peacefully, passed out on all the alcohol he had consumed along with the sleeping tablets the doctor had prescribed him.
I watched until there was nothing else to watch…
Then I turned around and started my walk home, leaving his car so that it would appear he had driven here alone.
I walked home to wait for the visit from the police to tell me there had been an awful accident and that he was no more…
© 2019 Short story by Baffledmum (Suki Matharu)